COLUMN – Nut Mother: “Advice”

By Marci Fifield – October 27, 2020


A couple years ago I started to write down all the advice that I was given by friends and family and even complete strangers. I read through that list recently and decided it would be very selfish of me to keep all of this unsolicited advice to myself. My hope is that one day this advice will come in handy to just one person. Enjoy.

If you swim with a friend, your chances of getting eaten by a shark drops by 50%.

When you really want to slap someone, do it. Just make sure to say "mosquito!" when you do it.

If you ever get attacked by a kangaroo, get behind it. They can't hop backwards.

If you feel alone, watch a horror movie before going to bed. You won't feel alone anymore.

Don't drink diet coke after eating a banana. Tastes like battery acid.

Before applying Chapstick, always double check that's it's not a glue stick.

Unless you're locked in your own bathroom, never pick your nose, you will always get caught.

Don't be a jerk.

Assume all clowns are evil.

Treat everyone as though they will leave you a fortune when they die.

Don't use your blinker, it’s nobody's business where you’re going.

If all else fails, read the instructions.

Never hide the last piece of the puzzle so you can put it in yourself. Everyone will hate you.

When a 5-year-old is convinced that bacon is a vegetable, it's not worth explaining why he is wrong.

Most things can be repaired by watching a tutorial on YouTube.

No matter where you are, make sure you know where all the exits are.

Contrary to popular belief, it's not all about you.

Return the stupid cart back to the rack.

If you have a pear-shaped body, do not wear a pear colored clothing.

Never make promises when you're happy.

If you're in an argument and you feel like you're losing, start correcting their grammar.